Hail to the bus driver!

Have you ever had one of those things that while it was happening you were sure that you were going to remember it and then five minutes later you forgot? Then the next day the same thing happened and you thought, "oh yeah, I wanted to do something about this yesterday but it must have slipped my mind." It keeps happening like this over and over and you suddenly discover that you are more pissed that you can't remember to be pissed than you are at the thing that originally pissed you off. What I, in brain dead words, am trying to explain is how I seriously dislike the process of using public transportation and how it really pisses me off each day in a new and uniquely stupid way.

First there's the walk. Yeah, I know, here I am using public transportation like a broke-ass loser and I have to walk there first. I mean walking to get to somewhere to go somewhere seems like all sorts of wasting time. I usually do this intricate math problem before every day adding 13.5 minutes for the walk, 12.25 minutes for the bus, and then 3 minutes for the second walk. I am often known to skip the 14.34 minute shower in the morning for an extra 14.20 minutes of sleep. (That allows for the 14 seconds of much needed deodorant usage to hide the fact that I am an adult who sacrifices bathing himself for a couple minutes of in and out half sleep.)

Then you get to the bus stop or the station and the first thing you have to do is wait some more. Sometimes you get lucky and you can just cram onto a bus with all the other hurrying Taiwanese people who feel it absolutely imperative that they get one of those hard broken down seats for their ride which lasts only one stop in the first place. If you have to wait you get the wonderful opportunity to take a look at all the nutjobs of society who have deemed the bus station a fair place to "wallow in their own crapulence." The majority of the people at bus stations don't even look like they are going to use a bus. In a place made for taking and bringing people to different places, half the population is just there to smoke a cigarette, take a nap, or maybe try to sit up straight and not throw up from the diseased rat he just chased with a shot of watered down vodka before embarking into this fine museum of human curiousness.

Next comes getting on the bus or the metro. People act like they are racing to a pot of gold or swimming to a drownling child when they are JUST GETTING ON A BUS! They do the complete opposite when they get off as if they broke both their legs on the ride. This mix of motivations really messes with people and you end up seeing a lot of tripping, face planting, and lots of "accidental" butt grabbing.

The buses are always crowded and when they are crowded they suck and they are always crowded so they always suck. Usually about seven seconds after the doors close you quickly realize that you were no pioneer in your idea to skip the shower. On real bad bus rides the windows will fog up like a car at the drive-in when in reality it is just a bunch of ratbags marinating in their own effluence.

The biggest dickheads always seem to be the ones who get the seats too. You walk in tired after a long day, maybe you have some stuff from work so your backpack is getting heavy, and who do you see but some 15 year old punk jamming away at his PSP not even noticing the old lady begging for a seat as she sways on her chopstick legs. My favorite are the people who close their eyes and pretend like they are sleeping while they relax in the "comfy" little chairs. I find being surrounded by a million stink bombs coughing and scratching is the ideal place to catch a little rest and relaxation.

The buses are always rickety and bouncy and after a while a covered wagon sounds like a much better deal. (At least you might get to enjoy a little buffalo jerky along the way.) Often times it gets so crowded that everyone moves together like one big blob. I imagine the best way to think of it would be like a bus sized slab of jello jiggling after someone knocked the table. Once and a while the bus will have just enough space for the only morbidly obese dude in Taiwan, who is wearing a sleeveless t-shirt at the time, to smash his perfectly angled armpit into your face. (True story.) If you didn't already have your gag reflex working over time from the smell, something like this might put it into overdrive and end up giving you more space on the bus than you might desire.

The last part that really twists my arm (that's not true, there are a lot more) is the way Taiwanese people only enjoy order for half the experience. While waiting they are calm and collected and polite and they collect in a nice little line in wonderful expectation for the magical mystery bus to take them to some far off place. Suddenly the the red lights start blinking and the wind picks up and everyone knows, "that's that mothafuckah comin' to get my ass home to some dumplings." The chaos is like a great orchestral piece that slowly builds into one giant pound of the drum. The line looses its strength and everyone crams into the doorway like play dough being shoved into a keyhole. (It is a bit like when a man tries to make love to a woman after consuming a lot of whiskey.... it just ain't gonna work.) Eventually someone from inside the train or the bus decides he has had enough and gives a little shove so that everyone can fall out like beans out of an upside down can. Then these same people go and stand on the left side of the goddamn escalator making it impossible for anyone to do anything but ascend slowly up the metal stairs staring at the gum and dirt pasted on the passing walls.

Public transportation may suck a whole bunch of ass but it does get you somewhere. Often times it is taking you to work which is just as uninteresting, but at least you don't have to walk anywhere. Well, you did have to walk to the bus stop and then there was that little walk you made as slow as your mathematical schedule would allow. (no longer than 3 minutes and 17 seconds.) And there are some rare times when you have to take a bus and then a train and then another bus just to get home so you can take a crap two days in the making only to comfortably sit down and find out that the house is empty and so is your toilet paper dispenser.

But hey that's just how it is and when you are as cheap as I am it works alright. Perhaps I'll catch you on a bus sometime. I'll be that asshole slapping you across the face as you pretend to lightly snore in some poor old geezer's seat.