Ayyy yaaaa!

Ay ya. Ay yo. These are two of the most powerful and potent words in the Chinese language. Do I know what they mean? Vaguely. I mean not really exactly, but I do know how and when to use them. There are all sorts of times throughout one's Taiwanese days and nights that the words Ay ya and Ay yo can be blurted out. Let's start with some brief but necessary definitions.

Ay ya/yo - this is a word based on two different Chinese characters and while it is only one actual word, the accent can change giving it two different connotations.

The ay ya form is something that you yell and elongate (ex. Ayyyyy yaaaaa) when you see something gross or disturbing. An example would be if you were sitting on a bus bench waiting for.......that's right, the bus, and you saw an old man sitting next to you. Let's say this man is ancient and has on a large jacket and gloves even though it is going to be around 95 degrees outside today. The man slips off one of his gloves revealing a sweaty hand and before you know what he is going to do, he crams his wrinkled dew covered index finger into his hairy cavernous nostril and begins to pick away. AYYYYYY YAAAAAA! Yelling this would indicate you displeasure and disgust at this raw and animalistic action.

Now the ay yo form is a bit different. You say ay yo quickly and without pause. It is used to indicate irritation and is a general verbal representation of your growing anger and frustration at a situation or person. An example when you might use this would be if you were a seven year old girl and the little pain in the ass sitting next to you, who is always hyper and never pays attention, grabbed your favorite Hello Kitty eraser that you don't want to get smudged and started erasing his shit homework until his paper ripped. Ay yo! you could proclaim!

This word is so incredible and it can be used in all sorts of other situations:

You are already late for school and you step in a heaping pile of dog shit. Not only is it fresh and warm but you just wasted your best smile of the day on the dude walking his freshly lightened pooch who just passed you. Ayyy yaaaa, for the poop, and then Ayyy yo for the fact that it is poop and it is on your shoe.

You're swimming in the ocean and you do one of the best underwater handstands you've ever accomplished and when you come up no one is looking. Just as your about to scream Ay yo a giant phantom wave crashes into your face injecting your nose with enough saline solution to kill a horse. As you come back up finally you scream...Ay yo!

You're sitting on a small and uncomfortable chair grading papers for a bunch of 4 year olds who have formed a psychotic and hectic "line" behind you. You're about to compliment the boy who finally figured out to make that curve on his lower case g when he sneezes snot all over your face from about 6 inches away. Whichever comes first will work. Oh oh ay yo, or Jesus Christ! Ay yaaaa!

You wake up early to get ready for a long and hard (those words don't sound good together) day of work and all you want to do is make it a silent morning. As you walk into the shower you look down at your naked legs and BAM! There's a giant hand print sized spider creeping up the shower wall heading straight towards you, no doubt hoping to devour your face. You scream like a girl and don't have time to say ay ya and simply grab the spurting shower head. The spider is climbing even as the water hits it and you don't know what to do because your only defense is the lukewarm water and your weak, frightened and naked body. After a minute of thrashing and screaming the spider falls to the drain where you crush it with your roommates shampoo bottle. Once its smashed carcass is kerplunking down the drain you can exhale and say Ay yo!

Perhaps the best time to use ay ya and ay yo can occur when you are in a bar. A crowed bar on a free beer night at that. You are having a good time even though there is a line for everything including a seat. You dance to your favorite song and then chug your free beer with your pals and it hits: OUCH MY STOMACH!!! You rush for the bathroom and wait for what seems like forever for a stall to open up. Ay yo! The guy who has just vomited 8 shots of homemade rice wine (Ay yaaaaa!) stumbles out and the shitshack is all yours. You take a look and sadly realize that it's a squatter. Ay yo! This squatter is a hole in the ground and your objective is to crouch so low that your quads will often feel the effects of the workout the next morning when you wake up. Ay yo! You take the first plunge and oh no, you got the angle wrong on the squatter. You have relieved yourself and none of it made it into the twinky shaped hole. Ay ya you whisper so that no one knows its you. You clean up and scram out yelling as you walk out the door, "some asshole shit on the floor... Ay yaaaaa!"

Ay yaaa and Ay yo are a time honored form of Chinese language. From Taiwan's great illustrious founders to its new and modern inhabitants, the term ay ya/yo has helped many to put a branded name on an otherwise regrettable situation. It is in the great Chinese tradition that I hand this down to you, oh faithful reader. May you go forth and relish in your right to yell Ay yaaaa or Ay yo when the situation merits it. For without Ay ya and Ay yo, our lives are truly meaningless.