Don't Read This. Hopefully I'm just getting back into things.

I'm a grouch. I'm a happy guy, but if you prefer to gripe about something I'll already have something in mind. It's not that I don't enjoy my life, my family or my friends. It's more that I seem to have this huge looming cloud of disappointment always hovering around me. It may not always be raining, but no one wants to be in the shade permanently. At brief moments I'll stray away from the cloud, but all I'm doing while I'm away is staring back at that cloud knowing that I cannot escape it only take momentarty breaks from it's cover. Why be a grouch? Why not just pick up the bible or work with animals? Why do I feel like I'm never going to be any different? Well I suppose it's because I'm too lazy to do anything more than ask myself these questions. A proactive person will ask, "What can I do to be happy?" and then do a number of things. He'll probably think of many different answers. He'll probably start with the dream type scenarios that are attainable, but highly unlikely because of how much luck and hard work would be invovled. This would be like saying, "I'll be happy if I get to travel and write for Lonely Planet. Or maybe I could be a famous basketball player. I'd like to start a chain of stores like Whole Foods." These are all great ideas, but you are then going to find yourself possibly unhappy if you don't get close to achieving them. Good goals are realistic and they are good because you can accomplish them. Bad goals are dreams because they only exist in your imagination. So I'm grouchy because all of my ambitions exist in my imagination. I won't learn guitar because I'm too good at imagining myself playing with Jimmy Hendrix in a super dome that is located on a space station somewhere near the moon. I can't just be content with what I have because my imagination is always saying, "but what about this? Wouldn't that be awesome?" Yes of course it would be awesome, but how the hell am I ever going to get anywhere near that goal? I won't because I ask myself that question. Gotta be more opptomistic, but dang it's hard. Maybe I'm just too dumb to be happy and I should go back to school. Are people in school happy? What about dumb people? Aren't there some really dumb and really happy people out there? What do they do to make themselves happy and on the other hand what do that makes them miserable. I can do the happy stuff and then at least be smart enough to avoid the miserable shit. Is it possible to juggle all of this? Maybe. I think I feel pretty comfortable with writing. It makes me happy. I already feel less grouchy than I did four paragraphs ago. It's been quite a time since those four paragraphs were written. I should write more and then maybe I'll feel better. At least I'll be improving at something. I feel like when I was originally writing this blog I was both happy and always coming up with better things to write about. I do remember though, that everytime I came across a blog like this one where I'm just babbling and trying to look for some kind of sympathy from whoever reads this, I just ignore it and say, "No one wanted to read that and after they did they only further affirmed that they weren't interested in my depressing diary logic. Can I wrap this up in a positive way? Sure. I guess I can tell you what I'm grateful for. I love the way that coffee first has a bitter tast to it, but by the end your mouth has adjusted to the taste and you've enjoyed your drink. I like the feeling of sweatpants and I think it's great when you are with someone else who is wearing them because then there is at least someone out there who agrees with what you are trying to do. I like just about everyone's smile. I'm glad when I see kids who are being cared for by their parents. I like when shoes click down a hallway and you try to figure out who is going to come around the corner. I like anyone who makes a living by being creative. I like people who know themselves well but still try to learn new things. People who wear helmots are brave. I like when I see someone still using a camera and not their phone. When I see people studying in a cafe I get jealous because their only job at that moment is to learn something. And I like seeing live animals.