Hellooooo.....Massage?

I hear some Thai woman yell this at me about ten times a day. I go walking around looking like my any other ferang (gringo in thai) and everyone wants me to buy something. However, while others are thrusting boat trip adverts in my face or asking me to look at their fish on display, the thai masseuses always yell a simple yet effective "helloooo massage?" It is almost as if they were greeting someone named massage rather than trying to sell you something. We pass by so many massage parlors everyday and normally they will shout those simple words with very little conviction. You also get the even lazier ladies whom you can see through the window sleeping on the mats. I guess yelling "helloooooo massage?" can get a little tiring for a lady.

So far on this trip we have gotten about six massages on five different islands. I can really say that what these women lack in marketing strategies they make up for in their ability to touch skin. Now make sure you don't get confused. Many people think that all massage parlors in Thailand are scum invested shanty brothels but this is not at all the case. While those types do exist, they don't even try to hide it. For example in Koh Samui there was the "Pink Lady Massage" that had scandalously clad girls falling out of it. I never even saw any massage beds there, just a bar and couches. So those are the types of joints we stay out of. We prefer on the beach or in places with big windows so that there is never the thought for a girl to say "we go private room?" or "you want I go all the way?" That simply scares the shit out of us.

Today I received my sixth massage and it was really pretty nice. So far I have gotten pretty lucky with my girls. They have all been pretty young and pretty good looking. While Chris was here he always seemed to have the best luck because his girls were usually the lookers. Dunkle is often about average and then comes Drew. Now if you don't know, Drew happens to be a giant human being. Giant humans are quite a bit of work and in no way for the weak of hand. It is because of that that Drew has always found himself being mounted by the biggest and we'll say "most seasoned" of the massage crew. I mean we are talking the big old ladies. I try to put his spirits up by saying, "well they probably have the most experience and thus you receive the best massage." But it is always nicer to get to talk to the young thai girl.

Today my luck changed though. We just jumped in to the parlor without doing much investigation. If you can believe it we have been a bit lazy even with getting massages. It always seems like so much work to get up from laying around all day to go lay down for just one hour. But today we did it and even though my wrist feels a little broken, the rest of me is peachy. Let me tell you, today, I did not meet the girl of my dreams. My masseuse today was of the short and portly character but with an overall jolly presence to her. I figured, "well, I did come here for a massage so what does it matter what she looks like." I was sticking to that thought until we got to the part where she got her entire body on top of my back and proceeded to smash her knees into my lower back. I thought I might break in half! I also noticed a noise which was at first subtle but rose quickly until I thought she might be licking her lips. Since this was an oil massage I hoped she wasn't thinking of buttering me up like a Christmas turkey. And for some reason she really smelled like popcorn. (I think I prefer Chanel 5 over Eau de popcorn.) Still she did a good job and popped my back way more than I think is healthy.

The Thai massage is a time honored tradition and considering that it is only about 6 bucks for an hour, you really can't beat it. I think if I ever meet a beautiful, English speaking, thai masseuse I will take her to America and show her how she can do the same thing for about 75 bucks an hour. That would blow these girls minds. So I have so far had 6 massages which means that 6 hours of this trip have been spent awkwardly watching my friends get oiled up by the mysterious massage ladies of Thailand. It is all pretty hilarious.